Something else I worry over...

You know we all worry about how messed up our kids are going to be, but I think it begins to take on an entirely different meaning when you have a child with special needs. Though I'm not sure that K's needs are all that special in the grand scheme of things. Especially when I see other children who are not as high functioning as she is, and have the same troubles.

Anyway, my point here is I wondered again today how messed up I've already made my kids. I mean I know the goal is to raise them, so that they are independent and -want- to leave, but do I do that to the detriment of their mental health and further more, what is healthy? I know each person has their own definition of healthy, and happy, and normal, but do or rather will my kids fit with in the acceptable parameters of normal?

I don't worry so much about B, though I have realized in the last week that I cling a little too tightly and she really really needs me to let go. I mean really let go, not pretend to let go and then follow along behind her hiding in the bushes. She's already figured out who she is, well in so much as an 11 year old can figure that out. She smart, funny, has a knack for finding the engaging in any situation, loves fully, expresses emotion with passion, and knows what she wants to be when she grows up. I've been informed, by the way, that she wants to go to NYU. Good luck, baby, that's all I have to say about that.

Then, we turn our heads and look down K's road, and that is when I really start to worry. Will she ever be able to live on her own? Will I be her guardian until I no longer have my own faculties? Do I have what it takes to see her through until she can take care of herself? And damn it, will she ever learn to put her dishes in the sink?

I don't know, and that scares the bejeezus out of me. I know, I've got a full ten years left before she's even old enough to go off to college, that should be plenty of time, right? I like to tell myself that she'll be so used to medications and such, that she'll stay on her meds, but that doesn't mean that she will. I like to tell myself that she will have caught up to herself and be developmentally 18, when she's chronologically 18, but that doesn't mean that she will. But to be frank, one of us on this team has to remain optimistic, or that kid simply doesn't have a chance.

Bet that as it may, I am determined that by the end of this week she will be putting her dishes in the sink after each meal, with out being told to do so. And my insistance on such a thing, is going to make it so that when she is on her own, her dishes will never make it to the sink again...

Parenting the Preteen Monster

My apologies for the delay in posting, I managed to catch the tummy bug going around my preschool.

So when last we spoke I shared with you what it is I know about the preteen child, so I have had someone ask, "well then how do we go about parenting our preteen, and you weren't serious when you said my child becomes an adult at 13 were you?"

I'd like to address the second question first. Biologically speaking the human body is designed to be fruitful and multiply and long ago when children did not always live to adulthood each couple was expected to bare as many children as were possible. The women of this time were able to do so as early as age 13, and so were married and began producing children and tending a household.

In our time this multitude of births is no longer necessary or even wanted (in most cases) and so our children are not expected to take on the responsiblities of adulthood at age 13. This however does not negate biology. Their little bodies still develop and change and lay the foundations for procreation. Thus we can no longer think of them as little children, but as the young adults that they are. They have adult thoughts, feelings, urges and needs and we must look at them in such a light and prepare them for it. Give them the tools to have self control, make wise choices and understand their place in the world.

How do we do this? How do we parent a preteen? My first answer to this is with patient love. They must face a plethora of change in just a short amount of time, and they must do it away from us, at school, for almost half of each day. So we must give them a lot of leeway, the same way that you gave your boundary pushing independence seeking three year old leeway.

This does not mean becoming your child's door mat, or their friend, or the cool mom/dad. This means, just as it did with your three year old, setting firm boundaries, using concise language and being consistent in giving consequences. They need consistency just as much as they did before, or perhaps more so, as they learn control over this new body. But within those boundries, give them leeway to find their own way of approaching a situation, of handling a problem, of working out a solution. By doing this you are setting them up to become adults with good problem solving skills in times of stress.

I will guarantee you that your child will "hate" you for these limitations, but will thank you for them when she is out in the world struggling under a boss who micromanages or a professor who has higher than normal expectations of his students.

It is not easy by any means, believe me, my child tries my patience each and every day and I am forced to have the same conversations with her over and over and over and over again. I spend a great deal of my time reminding her of manners and how to be respectful and how to be kind to her sister. It seems as though she's lost her mind and I must help her find it every day. She's rude, disrespectful, sloppy, disregards personal hygiene, is forgetful, disorganized and strangely quiet.

When I run through this litany it sounds like the warning signs of a child with depression or who has begun to take drugs. I was so concerned, I asked her therapist (yes she sees a therapist, but if you had a sister with the number of special needs her sister has, you'd need one too) who said, "it's just puberty, and will right itself soon."

Is this comforting? Not really, as it changes nothing, but it does put it into perspective and helps me to not yell at her about rolling her eyes again, or snatching something from her sister like she is a toddler and forgot how to use her words.

Do I worry I am doing it wrong and screwing her up for the rest of her life? Yes! Does this change the way I approach this? Not really. You see, we all have this fear of screwing up our children the way our own parents sis to us. But I ask you, didn't your parents give you life lessons along with that screwed up way of viewing sex? Don't you know how to handle certain situations better because of how your parents interacted with you?

To this worry, I say, stop it! You can never be the perfect parent, but you can do your best. Will you always react to your child's backtalk with calm understanding and firm redirection? No, you'll yell and tell them your sick of how they talk to you and it needs to stop right now. Don't beat yourself up about it, just admit your mistake and move on.

To you, the parent of a preteen, I say good luck, it will all turn out alright in the end.